Sometimes Our Blessings Are Packaged Differently Than We Expect

Before I had my first symptoms of pain, weakness, and disabling fatigue; I was fortunate to be living in a body that I loved, a body that I was proud to have. I was five foot nine with the measurements of 36-26-38 (in my book…perfect). I didn't understand how people allowed themselves to become overweight. I thought of them as weak and not caring enough about themselves. I knew I would never allow myself to be overweight. I loved working out. If I noticed my clothes feeling a little tight then I would curb out all sweets, be cautious of fats, and mainly be on a liquid diet for a couple days. I was fortunate in that would be all it would take until my clothes were fitting properly again.

This all began to change in 1995 as I suddenly gained thirty pounds in one month. Being concerned that I was still exercising regularly and hadn't changed any of my eating habits, I made a doctor's appointment. Immediately upon looking at my charts I was scolded for gaining so much weight since my last visit. I informed my doctor that was why I was there; I too was concerned about the drastic weight gain that came about so quickly. He immediately decided I was depressed and that was why I was gaining weight.

I said, "No, I'm not gaining weight because I'm depressed. But I AM depressed because I'm gaining weight!" Unfortunately, I wasn't able to convince my doctor other wise.

From there my health began to deteriorate and I soon went from doctor to doctor trying to figure out:

• Why, as someone who worked out regurlarly and was a certified aerobics instructor, had I gained so much weight?
  
• Why had I become so weak that somedays my purse would feel too heavy to lift?
  
• Why even after sleeping well all night was I constantly feeling like I needed more sleep?
  

By early '96 I had already gained around fifty pounds and had gone up a few sizes in clothes. Something in the past that only occurred because I was growing, not because of weight gain. I was really embarrassed by it all. My students, not meaning to be mean, but knowing I was newly married would comment repeatedly that I was pregnant. Now I WAS DEPRESSED!!!

In February of 1996, I saw a specialist that diagnosed me with fibromyalgia and suggested I take medical leave for my chronic fatigue. Along with this new specialist came many prescriptions. I can't remember what all he had me taking, but I do remember having a difficult time swallowing the many pills he had me on each day, some being quite large (what I refer to as horse pills). The one medication, that I do remember being prescribed was steroids. This was my first encounter with the prescription that would have a profound effect on my life.

Through the years I have lost count of how many times I have been on steroids. Each time I have been on them, I have gained thirty to forty pounds with the inability to get them back off. The steroids would leave me in a sour mood. I couldn't even stand to be around myself. How my husband put up with me during my times of taking steroids, I don't know. I'm just thankful he did.

I would get so hot that it seemed impossible to be able to cool down. I carried instant cold packs around with me. I have them in the console of my car. I would carry one with me in my school bag. I would keep ice packs in the refrigerator of my classroom, as well as in my home, and in a cooler on long trips.

Steroids can cause someone that isn't a diabetic to have blood sugar problems similar to gestational diabetes. I started craving more and more sweets. Along with the craving for sweets became hunger that never seemed to go away.I would wake up in the middle of the night starving. The starving itslef would wake me! It wasn't like I woke up to go the bathroom and thought, "Hmm… I think I might get me a couple crackers before returning to bed". No! The hunger, hunger so extreme that I thought I would be sick if I didn't have something to eat immediately, would wake me. My body wanted more food than I was able to burn off.

Unfortunately, the side effects of steroids don't go away when a person stops taking them. I've heard others comment that the side effects they had from steroids lasted anywhere from months to years. I know for me, I haven't had any steroids in two years but only recently have I been able to tell that the ill effects of me taking them have dissipated. My blood sugar and blood pressure are no longer a problem.

How has me gaining 200 pounds (at my highest weight) been a blessing? I am sympathetic to others who are overweight. I now realize how difficult it is to lose weight. I realize that even if they aren't on medications that are making them swell to the point that they look like a blowfish (steroids), being overweight is difficult to live with. Deciding to not have something sweet and/or fatty to eat isn't as easy as saying no. It becomes an addiction that feels like it must be fulfilled. It becomes a vicious cycle.

Facebook a part of the healing process

I'm so thankful that my cousin, Tonya, first asked me to join facebook. I can't imagine not having the connections that it has allowed me to rekindle after years of not seeing friends, students, and other loved ones. I love that no matter how far apart I am from my friends, facebook takes the many miles away.

Living with multiple sclerosis, sleep apnea, and fibromyalgia I suffer from severe fatigue...fatigue that cannot be imagined. Only those that suffer from MS, do I think really comprehend the fatigue and maybe some very intuned care givers like my husband. He seems to totally get just how difficult it is on me…not just physically and mentally, but emotionally as well. It embarasses me not to be able to plan because I don't know if I'm going to have the energy to do something next week or even later today. Sometimes, I just push myself on through because I hate disappointing others and I love spending time with people. But I end up paying for it afterwards with severe pain, fatigue that keeps me knocked out for days, and other heightened symptoms like double and blurry vision.

That's where facebook comes in…with my laptop, wireless internet, and facebook; I can communicate with my friends when I feel up to it. And communicating with them lifts my spirits. I don't think a day has gone by in the past few months that I haven't been able to enjoy a great laugh because of something that one of my friends has said. If you are like me and may go a week or more before you step out of your house because you just don't have the strength to get dressed and leave; I encourage you to try facebook or some other networking website to reconnect with people that mean a lot to you but you may not feel like seeing in person.

Planning the Escape

This blog will hopefully be an inspiration to others to escape a prison that they may feel they too are in due to their health; whether it be physical, emotional, or mental. Writing has always helped me to learn more about myself...allowing me to take a step back to really analyze what is going on in my life. I no longer want to feel as though my only option in life is to take medicine for my symptoms of multiple sclerosis and other afflictions. There has to be more that I can do to help me. Not being a health professional or scientist, these posts are meant for encouragement not medical advice. However, as you follow me through my journey to freedom, I hope you are encouraged to live your life free from health restraints. I no longer want my fatigue, pain, or being ill to dictate my schedule.


When I first heard about MS, I didn't know anything about the disease. I devoured books, internet sites, and journals trying to find out as much as I could. I wanted to know more about the symptoms...know what to expect. Therefore, I will write about symptoms...not sure how often or how much I will say about them at this time. Don't want the symptoms to take over the excitement of the escape. Yet, I want to be realistic for others who are like me...who are looking for a true source that lets them honestly know what to expect. Finding the right balance will occur as my blog develops.