Sometimes Our Blessings Are Packaged Differently Than We Expect

Before I had my first symptoms of pain, weakness, and disabling fatigue; I was fortunate to be living in a body that I loved, a body that I was proud to have. I was five foot nine with the measurements of 36-26-38 (in my book…perfect). I didn't understand how people allowed themselves to become overweight. I thought of them as weak and not caring enough about themselves. I knew I would never allow myself to be overweight. I loved working out. If I noticed my clothes feeling a little tight then I would curb out all sweets, be cautious of fats, and mainly be on a liquid diet for a couple days. I was fortunate in that would be all it would take until my clothes were fitting properly again.

This all began to change in 1995 as I suddenly gained thirty pounds in one month. Being concerned that I was still exercising regularly and hadn't changed any of my eating habits, I made a doctor's appointment. Immediately upon looking at my charts I was scolded for gaining so much weight since my last visit. I informed my doctor that was why I was there; I too was concerned about the drastic weight gain that came about so quickly. He immediately decided I was depressed and that was why I was gaining weight.

I said, "No, I'm not gaining weight because I'm depressed. But I AM depressed because I'm gaining weight!" Unfortunately, I wasn't able to convince my doctor other wise.

From there my health began to deteriorate and I soon went from doctor to doctor trying to figure out:

• Why, as someone who worked out regurlarly and was a certified aerobics instructor, had I gained so much weight?
  
• Why had I become so weak that somedays my purse would feel too heavy to lift?
  
• Why even after sleeping well all night was I constantly feeling like I needed more sleep?
  

By early '96 I had already gained around fifty pounds and had gone up a few sizes in clothes. Something in the past that only occurred because I was growing, not because of weight gain. I was really embarrassed by it all. My students, not meaning to be mean, but knowing I was newly married would comment repeatedly that I was pregnant. Now I WAS DEPRESSED!!!

In February of 1996, I saw a specialist that diagnosed me with fibromyalgia and suggested I take medical leave for my chronic fatigue. Along with this new specialist came many prescriptions. I can't remember what all he had me taking, but I do remember having a difficult time swallowing the many pills he had me on each day, some being quite large (what I refer to as horse pills). The one medication, that I do remember being prescribed was steroids. This was my first encounter with the prescription that would have a profound effect on my life.

Through the years I have lost count of how many times I have been on steroids. Each time I have been on them, I have gained thirty to forty pounds with the inability to get them back off. The steroids would leave me in a sour mood. I couldn't even stand to be around myself. How my husband put up with me during my times of taking steroids, I don't know. I'm just thankful he did.

I would get so hot that it seemed impossible to be able to cool down. I carried instant cold packs around with me. I have them in the console of my car. I would carry one with me in my school bag. I would keep ice packs in the refrigerator of my classroom, as well as in my home, and in a cooler on long trips.

Steroids can cause someone that isn't a diabetic to have blood sugar problems similar to gestational diabetes. I started craving more and more sweets. Along with the craving for sweets became hunger that never seemed to go away.I would wake up in the middle of the night starving. The starving itslef would wake me! It wasn't like I woke up to go the bathroom and thought, "Hmm… I think I might get me a couple crackers before returning to bed". No! The hunger, hunger so extreme that I thought I would be sick if I didn't have something to eat immediately, would wake me. My body wanted more food than I was able to burn off.

Unfortunately, the side effects of steroids don't go away when a person stops taking them. I've heard others comment that the side effects they had from steroids lasted anywhere from months to years. I know for me, I haven't had any steroids in two years but only recently have I been able to tell that the ill effects of me taking them have dissipated. My blood sugar and blood pressure are no longer a problem.

How has me gaining 200 pounds (at my highest weight) been a blessing? I am sympathetic to others who are overweight. I now realize how difficult it is to lose weight. I realize that even if they aren't on medications that are making them swell to the point that they look like a blowfish (steroids), being overweight is difficult to live with. Deciding to not have something sweet and/or fatty to eat isn't as easy as saying no. It becomes an addiction that feels like it must be fulfilled. It becomes a vicious cycle.